I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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