I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
