Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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