i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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