I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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