Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
