and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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