I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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