it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
