I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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