I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
