We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
