Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
