The maid of honor just puked.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize