I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You took a bar mat shot.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
