I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
