he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize