While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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