I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
