JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
