So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize