fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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