soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize