There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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