I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
