My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
