This is not my ceiling
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
