remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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