Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize