On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
