what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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