Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
