i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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