I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
This is classic penis vs brain.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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