I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
