If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
