I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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