Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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