There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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