a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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