I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Randomize
