Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
