I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize