i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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