this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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