he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
