Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
