You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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