I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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