I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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