He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
