A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
