I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
