Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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