Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
