We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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