also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
from now on my penis is your penis
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
