I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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