So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
