she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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