Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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