my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
