Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
