he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
