Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
